Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
