This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
whose ass print is on the piano?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
