It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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