i wish my penis had a tongue
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
