Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I touched a dick in church today
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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