You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
