Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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