My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
