I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
