Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
