final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
