Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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