Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
