guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
