i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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