I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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