I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
