why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
