you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
