He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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