ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize