Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
