is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
