I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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