The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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