I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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