I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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