Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
