Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
