Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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