It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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