he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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