he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
