I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
