I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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