i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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