**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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