my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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