Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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