U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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