All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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