she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
