my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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