life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize