He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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