It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
