How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
