he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
