We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
