if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
