Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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