How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
