Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
