FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
