He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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