I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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