pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
